Creating a Sanctuary of Peace

Today started out kind of rough. 1- I heard about a shooting on northside.  So...  being annoying auntie I sent my nephew a text at 5am asking if he was ok.  Of course, he doesn't respond until after 10am...  I hate teenagers sometimes lol.  2-I've been extremely cold and unable to really get warm.  To give you an idea how cold-2 pair of socks, sweat pants, wife beater, sweater, under covers and thermostat on 78.  This morning was day 2 of that sort of coldness coupled with my chest pains, dizziness with nausea, blurred vision, and muscle cramps.  These are all apart of my sometimes debilitating "new normal".  I think the chest pains scare me the most.  I try to breathe through them but they usually last much longer so I just try to sleep.  

You see my TSH level is 67.  Because my thyroid has been removed it should be under .01.  Yep, .01.  The endocrinologist told me if I have continuous heart palpitations  or chest pains to go to the ER because prolonged increased TSH can lead to heart damage...  However, my PCP says don't go to ER because unless I'm having a heart attack there's nothing they can do and this is my "new normal" right now.  So, during those times I try to sleep or do something distract myself but that isn't too strenuous.   *sigh*

I think the blurred vision is from staring at the computer screen so much.   Since I'm going on medical leave I've been looking at a sampling of employee files a lot to come up with training/focus plans while I'm out this month or so.  I'm assuming all the looking at screens has attributed to that.  So I've been rocking my glasses which I generally wear when I'm doing a lot reading. I developed a bit of a fetish of glasses after I found Zenni Optical.  Zenni offers affordable and hella cute prescription glasses.  I have a very light prescription so I can generally find glasses for under $20!!!!!  Yall know I'm frugal so that's right up my alley way but I digress. 

This morning I wasn't feel well at all but I made plans earlier in the week for my niece to come over to put my laundry up and to just bond.  We haven't spent much time together.  She can tell something's wrong but I won't really let on.  However, if you see me in my "natural state" you can tell I'm not normal Lisha.  We talked about everything I'm going through and the bit of difficulty I'm having taking care of myself because I don't know how to not be all about work.  She was able to see me "in action" as a client called me back to back with 2+ minute messages threatening to sue, cussing and calling staff everything in the book.  After about 2 hours of back and forth between my office, the client, the leasing office, outreach, my case manager, and another case manger, we had a tentative resolution which are all contingent on the client doing a lot of work.  She could only ask how do you not take that personal?  I don't take it personal because I didn't know this client therefore I knew he wasn't mad at me AND he just wants someone to listen.  Once I listen and then lead the call toward a resolution the client calmed down.  I don't take it personal but it's definitely stressful because I make decisions without 100% information and pray for success.  We'll see tomorrow...  That gets my body going/instant jolt.  I "need" to go into super Lisha mode.  

However, I channeled that and helped Lanae make my bed.  I need to slow down, get my house in order, and create a sanctuary of peace.  I've had these new linens for months but I've never switched them.  I always just washed my old ones and put them back on the bed.  It's time for a change so...  My bed and bedroom  got a mini make-over too.  It's a nice, necessary, and good change! 

Today started sourish but ended with me feeling very productive.  Also, it's 8pm and I still have some energy.  That's an awesome feeling!!!  I'm going to go put on a load of laundry.  Yall don't know how long it's been since I've had energy at 8pm.  I'm usually deep asleep. It's been 3 weeks since we started up the vitamins (I'm getting better at taking them) and my new dosage of Synthroid and Liothyronine.  Hopefully that will really assist with my energy levels and some of the other issues. 

While writing this blog I was jamming to this Rhianna Mix. Music is great therapy!

H-Town said it best

Emotions make you cry sometimes...

I blog/post about my challenges because it helped people.  Initially I was posting only milestones but questions started coming from people.  I started this somewhere in 2013 when I fully committed to living a healthier lifestyle.

When losing weight and getting over plateaus in weight loss challenged me I wrote about how frustrating that can be.  I received great feedback from people about how to get over the hump. Then when I started exploring and decided to pursue weight loss surgery I wanted to tell people about that process from contemplation, pre-op, post-op, recovery, and maintaining.

Then just 8 short months after weight loss surgery cancer showed up.  I put everything that had to do with weight loss surgery on the back burner because cancer is scary mmmkay.  Thyroid Cancer is supposed the the "good" one to get if you get cancer.  WTF???  Many people are suffering from thyroid issues so now more people are asking questions about how did I find out and such.   You can find that reading my blog 'The Missed Diagnosis because of Fat'.

I found strength in telling people my story.  However, with 2 recurrences/being diagnosed with cancer 3 times in 2 years, I'm always anxious because I'm afraid at any point and time I could come back.  That's terrifying.  How the eff do I cope?  WTF are these overwhelming emotions I'm experiencing?  Why am I always on the verge of tears all the time?  If I'm at home I can cry and it's no problem or I can cook.  However, what do I do when I'm at work or out in social situations?

The website I had cancer has been a great resource to show me all these emotions are normal.  On the more personal side, part of my new treatment plan is weekly therapy appointments.  While this website is geared toward different cancer patients it's a reminder to any who has gone through anything that your emotions are yours and you're entitled to feel how you feel.

While some people might be tired of my posting, I get more feedback from people who can relate than anything negative.  I was surprised when I got inboxed from people telling me they were dealing with cancer themselves or dealing with major medical issues and my post make their emotions valid.

Life is about balance.  When you find your life feeling overwhelmed check "life scales" and work to find balance.  Don't be afraid to make time for yourself in order to find balance.

The Missed Diagnosis because of Fat

I originally posted this on February 16, 2015

The Missed Diagnosis of Fat People

I don't do doctors because God's got me. But, since I have free health care, I'll go to the doctor, -that was 12/2012. Much to the surprise of my doctor, I'm healthiest overweight person they've seen. You see I was super morbidly obese weighing over 330lbs but I didn't have ANY comorbidities i.e health issues. At that appointment, I pointed out my doctor that my thyroid/throat seemed larger on the right side. I knew to mention/have her check it out because back in 2005/2006, I went through tons of testing at Mayo clinic to rule out cancer. Praise God back then I was cancer free. She gave it a 1,2 glance. "Nope everything is fine". Me, I'm all like, "Cool, she's the doctor".

After "failing" to lose more than 40lbs and gaining all of it back, I decide to look into weight loss surgery. This sounds like a real option for me. My desire was never to be skinny. My desire was to be the healthiest, fittest version of myself and my future family. For me that was not me 330lbs or even 289 which was the lowest, I had seen. So, I proceeded with the steps to have WLS. It wasn't until 01/2014 after having a chest X-ray that I was informed that my thyroid had deviated my trachea. PANIC!!!! OMG!!! I'M GONNA DIE!!! Quick, to webmd! My PCP asked if I had any difficulty swallowing, eating, drinking, breathing. None of those problems. Because I didn't have any of those issues, I was cleared for surgery. I already knew that after surgery I was moving back to Florida. I'll have that thyroid checked out after I get health insurance.

And you know all the rest. As I've been resting and replaying the events of the last year or so in my head, I wondered how often does it happen that an overweight patient's claims/issues are brushed to the side and attributed to their being fat and not explored? I couldn't help but momentarily be upset with the fact, that had my doctor done a chest x-Ray to just look things, my path/surgery type could have been different.

But, Praise God for life and HIS plan.

Update:  Original Cancer Diagnosis 11/2014. Total Thyroidectomy w/ 50+ lymph node removed 02/2015  Iodine Radiation-04/2015 Reoccurrence 01/2016 and 07/2016 -- Cancer free as of 12/28/2016

I peep shit

Why is Lisha so nice???  If that had been me... BAAAABBBBYYY!

I have friends that always say ‘God has blessed you’/'you're better than me' because I don’t always respond to situations that bother me.  I’m a great friend.  I never ever worry if I have wronged anyone.  I’m very in touch with my “emotions”/I take responsibility for my shit.  I’ll always apologize once I’m out of my feelings.  If I think a friend is upset with me I’ll reach out to them to try to remedy the situation, why?  This half/ass Christian/hippie side of me remembers never let the sun go down when you’re angry.  If I were to die the next day I don’t want someone feeling regret…  Personally, I won’t really care because I’ll be dead.  However, even in death I want people feeling good about their relationship with me.  They sure as hell won’t have time to say anything at my funeral because their won’t be a ‘Celebration of Life’ after I’m dead. 

The other reason why I don’t respond to situations because you never know what someone is going through.  While, I won’t go into details having your doctor say ‘Alisha if you don’t put you first and take care of these issues you won’t be around to help all the people you care about’.  #WakeUpCall

However, I’ve been this way for over 10 years and I’ll tell you why.  When I worked at Wal-Mart a new co-worker was hospitalized with diverticulitis.  I visited him every day he was in the hospital and gave him my number.  He was new to the area and didn’t know his number by heart and his phone was dead when I was there.  I never received a call from him.  It was a few weeks after he was released from the hospital but he had not returned to work.  I asked my Asst Mgr Troy, ‘Where’s Jeff?  When is he coming back?’  That’s when Troy told me after being released from the hospital he went to recover at his parent’s in Colorado.  While there he took a bottle of sleeping pills and died.  That hit me hard. I didn't realize there was more going on with Jeff. That was in 2003.  So for 14 years, I’ve been very careful about how I treat people.  You never know the battle someone is fighting.  I try to make emotional connections with folks so they feel comfortable reaching out to me before doing something so drastic. 

If you're reading this and are having thoughts of harming yourself, please call 1-800-273-8255 and know your life is valued, you're needed in this world, and you're loved.

  

When people look at me, they don’t know that I’ve had cancer 3 times in 2 years.  They don’t know I suffer from chronic fatigue.  You don’t see the anxiety, chest pains, frequent dizzy spells, insomnia, body aches, short term memory loss, lack of muscle coordination, stack of unpaid medical bills and moodiness.  Well you may see the moodiness.  You see what I want you to see.  You see Lisha living without a struggle, looking happy, looking cute, and using her voice/platform to help others.

I have people who don’t show up in my life but get mad when they get the same treatment.  If you ain’t with me during my struggle, I don’t need you.  If there’s anything I’ve learned in these last 2 years, folks who are truly in your corner will always have your back—and it’s not always those people who have been in your corner for 20 years.  They are just people you grew up with and that’s ok.  While some of my long term friends are still my “ride or die”, it’s friends I’ve met within the past 2 years that I would trade faster than the black delegation would trade Stacy Dash for Gary Owen. 

So understand my silence is not passive, naivety or acceptance of certain behaviors, it’s maturity and my half-ass Christian/hippie nature to always practice love, kindness, and restraint in life. 

#Peace

#Love

#Happiness

  #UnapologeticallyAlisha

Guess Who's Back...

Hey Guys!!!  January 29, 2017 I'll be blogging regularly.

My first post will introduce who the heck is Alisha Jai.  There are many of you who think you know but on the 29th, allow me to introduce you to the real 100% unfiltered Alisha Jai. 

Bookmark this page and be prepared for the adventures of my life.  In advance, you might clutch your pearls...  But don't worry, I'll warn you about those.

And if you can't tell quite a bit has changed...